The Adversarial System: Why Parent School Relationships in Special Education Are Set Up to Fail

Series: The Trust Breakdown (Part 1 of 3)

It starts with a small feeling. A question you asked in an IEP meeting that was answered a little too quickly. A progress report that celebrates a goal you know your child hasn’t truly mastered. A sense that your aspirations for your child are being treated as an inconvenience.

Soon, that small feeling grows. You feel ignored, misunderstood, or patronized for asking for more. The school seems satisfied with minimal progress, while you are fighting for your child’s future. At some point, a switch flips. You begin to sense opposition, and that suspicion becomes a lens through which you view every email, every meeting, every interaction. You start to feel betrayed.

If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. This breakdown of trust is not a personal failing; it is a feature of the system itself. The very foundation of special education in the United States is, by its nature, adversarial.

A System Built on Conflict, Not Collaboration

To understand why the parent-school relationship so often feels like a battle, we have to look at the law that governs it: the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA). While IDEA was a landmark civil rights law that guaranteed access to education for all students, its enforcement mechanism is a legal one, built on due process, complaints, and the potential for litigation.

As education attorney Miriam Kurtzig Freedman notes, this has created a system focused on legal compliance and the fear of lawsuits, not on learning and collaboration [1]. The constant legal tension erodes trust and diverts focus from the student. Another researcher, Laurie Wellner, puts it even more bluntly:

“Special education is a framework where the very foundation is built on adversarial relations—where parents hire attorneys and advocates to fight against districts.” [2]

This doesn’t mean teachers and administrators are malicious. Most are dedicated professionals doing their best within a difficult system. However, the legal framework forces both sides into defensive positions. The school is trying to provide services while managing limited resources and avoiding legal action. The parent is trying to secure what their child needs, often with the fear that if they don’t fight, their child will be left behind.

This creates a perfect storm for mistrust.

The "Lens of Distrust"

Once that initial trust is broken, it creates a "lens of distrust" that colors every future interaction.

• A simple scheduling mistake is no longer just an error; it’s proof the school is disorganized and doesn't care.
• A teacher’s suggestion for a different approach isn’t a professional opinion; it’s a way to deny services.
• A parent’s request for more data isn’t a desire for collaboration; it’s a sign they are preparing for a fight.

This is the core of the breakdown. The relationship shifts from a partnership focused on the child to a standoff between two opposing sides. The child, tragically, is caught in the middle.

Understanding that the system itself is designed this way is the first step toward navigating it. It’s not your fault, and you are not imagining it. The adversarial nature of special education is real, and it has a profound impact on your ability to advocate for your child.

In our next post, we will explore the specific tipping points—the key moments where this theoretical conflict becomes a painful reality for families.

Coming Up in Part 2: The Tipping Point: 5 Moments That Destroy Parent-School Trust

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References

[1] Freedman, M. K. (2025, November 25). 50 years of special education in the U.S.: Why we need a new law built on the science of learning, not the adversarial legal system. Thomas B. Fordham Institute. https://fordhaminstitute.org/national/commentary/50-years-special-education-us-why-we-need-new-law-built-science-learning-not

[2] Wellner, L. (2012). Building Parent Trust in the Special Education Setting. Leadership, 41(5), 16-19. https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/EJ971412.pdf

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Related reading:

• The Tipping Point: 5 Moments That Destroy Parent School Trust
• After the Fall: How to Advocate When You No Longer Trust the School
• Understanding Your Rights Under IDEA